Grow Up

Many spiritual traditions speak of oneness, of being connected, part of something bigger. That's an important truth. But growing up includes another movement: learning to stand in ourselves without dissolving into others. Many of us swing between merging with others and retreating into ourselves. Some do it gracefully, but that is still a survival strategy, not adult consciousness.

The grown-up capacity is to belong and stay in myself at the same time: to be in connection and still know where I end and another begins; to care deeply without becoming responsible for everything around me. This is the process of individuation, and for many of us it was not fully supported growing up.

Our tendency to merge is what makes us lose ourselves, whether in relationships, with our children, with clients, in work itself. The answer isn't only “take your space” or “set boundaries.” It's recognizing that the part of us that merges or disconnects is driven by fear, and learning not to let it drive. It's especially hard when merging feels good. As Laurence Heller, founder of NARM, puts it: “Connection: our deepest desire and greatest fear.”

This fear of separation doesn't only belong to people with clearly identified trauma. It can be a stressed or sick parent, a complicated birth, the arrival of a sibling. Most of us come from families that, for generations, haven't had the capacity to stay fully present, and instead disconnect or merge. From this view, we all carry it; our survival strategies took over where belonging and authenticity could have grown.

Grow Up is the slow practice of untangling this tendency to merge, even where part of us still longs for it. We learn to set boundaries without disconnecting or “leaving.” We stay with ourselves and be with others at the same time, reconnecting with the healthy parts of our ancestors instead of the wounded ones.

A big part of the work is separating what we think we want from the real needs of our younger parts. The needs are often simple: rest, contact, space, clarity, support, protection, permission. But listening to them is hard, because underneath we often meet grief, shame, or fear of separation that we don't yet have the capacity to hold.

As we learn to uncouple these parts from the present moment and tend to their needs, we become more secure from the inside. Here, secure attachment isn't grounded in feeling safe with others, but in being so stable within that we can belong while staying in ourselves.

For ages, belonging-while-being-ourselves was practiced in community through rhythm, movement and ritual. Today we call it nervous-system co-regulation, and these ancient tools are necessary for growing up. That's why GUMP is a shared space, where dance, play and loving presence help us hold what's difficult. I call it “trauma fun.” Not because trauma is fun, but because we need aliveness to meet the pain. We don't lose ourselves in the fun, or in the pain. We learn to balance the two.